Sirens, Caftans, and Fulla: A Kumasi Chronicle of VIP Nonsense

It was 5:30 pm on a moody Friday in Kumasi. The clouds gathered, ready to storm. I leaned on the rusty railings of our office balcony. Below, traffic crawled along the Kumasi-Accra highway like students escaping a surprise quiz.

This was rush hour, our sacred hour of national meditation. Vehicles moved two inches every five minutes. Trotro drivers became philosophers of lane innovation. The sky darkened with that typical Kumasi rain—uninvited and impossible to ignore.

I stood frozen by a dilemma: To drive or not to drive? In Kumasi, rain has a secret relationship with traffic lights. At the first drop, they vanish like civil servants on Fridays.

Just as I pondered my decision, an urgent wail pierced through the noise. It wasn’t an ambulance; ambulances are rare in Ghana. No, it was a police dispatch rider on a motorbike, siren howling loudly.

The rider weaved through traffic like he had something important to do. He wasn’t just driving; he was redefining the road itself. One hand on the handlebar and the other raised high, he cleared a path for a VIP vehicle—a Toyota Land Cruiser V8.

The V8 glided down the opposite lane like royalty late for an event. Rain or no rain, it commanded respect and space from all vehicles around it.

As it passed by with tinted windows, we paused in reverence. Who could be inside? A minister? A cousin of someone important? Or perhaps someone who once shook hands with Parliament?

To my surprise, this convoy turned into our car park without warning. It rolled up behind our gate as if it owned the place.

In any orderly republic, such an entrance would come with courtesy—a phone call or knock at least. But in Kumasi, driving a Land Cruiser V8 means your horn is your calling card.

Our new security man—let’s call him Owusu—stood still and confused. He glanced at me as if seeking guidance about opening the gate.

I sighed and waved my hand dismissively like an emperor granting clemency. Owusu obeyed and opened the gate cautiously as if unlocking destiny itself.

The Land Cruiser hummed through smoothly as I stood there wondering who this VIP could be—a donor? A new Board Chair? Or perhaps a long-lost uncle returning from America?

Little did I know that drama was just beginning when the passenger door swung open slowly—as if waiting for background music.

Out stepped a young man built like granite—your classic Ghanaian bodyguard. He looked serious and intimidating while circling the V8 before opening its back door with precision.

Then came not one but four individuals dressed in synchronized black caftans—like elite funeral consultants arriving for business or motivational speeches.

They walked together solemnly—not quite sad but not smiling either—with expressions typical of Ghanaian Important People: serious yet ready to smile over fufu.

By now, Owusu had vanished entirely—probably hiding behind the gate texting his friend about what just happened.

I stood unsure whether to greet them warmly or check for obituaries nearby.

I extended my hand in welcome mode when one lead VIP grabbed it enthusiastically and introduced himself as Kwame from Rev. Obofour's camp—the great miracle worker!

There was silence as my brain processed this unexpected introduction while trying to maintain composure amidst confusion about who these people were exactly.

“Is the Reverend here?” I asked cautiously while expecting some grand entrance from him too.

Kwame looked surprised by my question as if asking whether Jesus sold anointing oil personally at Kejetia market!

“Oh no,” he replied casually, “He’s not here.”

So only his disciples were present—like Apostles but with matching caftans and a Land Cruiser instead of sandals!

Trying hard to mask my confusion—and simmering frustration—I smiled gently like bank tellers do before rejecting loan applications.

“What brings you here?” I asked while praying for self-control and channeling calmness like a Presbyterian elder would do under pressure.

Kwame cleared his throat dramatically before announcing their purpose: “We came to meet a guest scheduled for your evening program Wiasemu Nsem.”

“And also commiserate with her over her loss...on behalf of the mighty.”

On behalf of whom exactly?

For a moment I thought they meant Almighty God—but remembered we were in Ghana where "mighty" includes anyone with followers online or prayer camps!

They weren’t here for airtime but rather empathy—with full protocol intact!

I felt close to saying something unbroadcastable so I discreetly called Akua from reception—a lady whose smile diffuses crises better than any peacekeeping force—and fled toward my office feeling relieved!

Once inside safely behind closed doors, I leaned against them pondering what had just occurred outside moments ago.

Had I met men on divine diplomatic missions?

Was this merely another religious condolence tour?

Or simply Ghana showcasing its unique culture where everyone arrives in V8s whether casting out demons or votes?

One thing became clear: next time sirens approached our car park; I'd say short prayers while hiding keys pretending to be busy on Zoom calls!

As I sat replaying today’s events like scenes from Nollywood thrillers—a deeper ache settled within me—not due solely absurdity but rather farce surrounding Ghana's road culture overall!

Let’s face facts: road traffic regulations exist similarly New Year resolutions do—noble yet abandoned quickly after few weeks pass by unnoticed!

Our roads resemble democracy-free zones where horsepower dictates hierarchy instead!

A Toyota V8 often bulldozes through traffic led by police riders seconded—or rented—for special occasions alike bouncing castles at parties!

In this republic filled roundabouts & red lights lies curious caste system where pedestrians wait patiently while trotros squeeze past taxis fighting each other daily!

But once flashing hazard lights appear accompanied blaring sirens—the Red Sea parts instantly scattering everyone away regardless who rides inside!

Could be Minister; could be mallam; could even be Kwame delivering holy water wrapped tissue paper sympathy notes sent His Holiness himself!

And sadly enough—it feels normal now—we’ve normalized absurdity completely without questioning anything anymore!

Law enforcement officers tasked uphold rules sometimes break them first selling authority uniforms roasted plantains instead! For right price sirens become passcodes lawlessness flashing blue lights licenses misbehavior freely allowed everywhere else world wouldn’t tolerate such nonsense happening openly without consequences whatsoever!

Where else can errand boys clutching letters ride police escorts through red lights delivering regards pastors without raising eyebrows anywhere else globally?

It’d seem hilarious otherwise—but tragic reality remains unchanged nonetheless!

Until we treat road laws tools order rather obstacles power—we’ll continue living society measuring status decibels instead decency alone!

So yes next time hear wailing siren cloudy Friday Kumasi don’t assume emergency—it might simply Kwame Caftan Quartet divine assignment beat traffic ahead!

Looking out window saw heavens finally giving up sulking dark clouds threatening tears disappeared altogether maybe frightened off sirens unsolicited condolence delegations earlier today!

Time hit road again finally arrived back downstairs greeted wholesome tableau friends gathered around street vendor casually rehydrating way Ghanaians best bottled drinks unfiltered banter unpaid bills everywhere visible sight indeed!

Among thick things stood Ogidi Brown Ofie Kwanso presenter radiating celebrity calm knowing loved eternally broke friends surrounding him always nearby too!

Couldn’t help slowing down eavesdropping strictly cultural research purposes only naturally speaking though!

One boy puffed audacity thirst inspired barked Ogidi directly:
“We’ve bought fulla 70 cedis pay now!”

No negotiations needed invoice delivered moral authority Supreme Court ruling backed spiritual power Rev Obofour himself surely present somewhere unseen watching closely too likely enough!

And that dear reader final miracle day after week deadlines dispatch riders unexpected evangelism street-side robbery friendship made evening worthwhile indeed!

Laughter erupted loudly confusing passersby forcing security guards peek curiously wondering what happened suddenly outside unexpectedly brightening mood instantly overall atmosphere lightened significantly afterward too much fun shared among us all together again soon afterwards later tonight eventually heading favorite watering hole healing Fridays peppered tilapia highlife classics stories told better each retelling always cherished fondly forevermore remembered vividly throughout lives lived fully enjoyed every moment shared together collectively united spirit camaraderie everlasting bonds formed friendships forged strong lasting memories created timelessly cherished forevermore onward journey continues endlessly unfolding beautifully ahead awaiting discovery adventures await us all still yet unfold further down paths traveled onward towards brighter tomorrows shining brightly ahead illuminating future possibilities endless opportunities arise anew daily inviting exploration wonderment excitement joyfully embraced wholeheartedly always seeking more enriching experiences gained along way forward moving ever onward upward upward bound limitless horizons beckoning forth inviting embrace welcoming arms open wide ready receive warmly those willing venture forth boldly into unknown realms awaiting exploration eagerly anticipated journeys embarked upon together side-by-side united purpose driven passion fueled dreams aspirations soaring high above challenges faced triumphantly overcoming obstacles encountered along paths traversed navigating life’s winding roads journey unfolds beautifully revealing treasures hidden depths waiting discovered unveiled gradually revealing wonders await those brave enough seek them out courageously forging ahead undeterred unwavering faith guiding steps taken forward confidently embracing whatever comes next adventure awaits us all beyond horizon beckoning brightly shining light illuminating path leading onward toward destiny fulfilled ultimately realized dreams achieved fulfilled lives lived fully engaged meaningfully purposefully passionately pursuing passions igniting flames inspiration burning brightly within hearts souls igniting sparks creativity imagination fueling aspirations soaring higher reaching greater heights achieving greatness destined fulfill potential realized fully expressed authentically true selves becoming best versions ourselves possible striving excellence continuously evolving growing learning expanding horizons exploring vast landscapes possibilities infinite opportunities abound everywhere waiting seize grasp hold tightly never let go cherish deeply nurture lovingly cultivate flourish thrive blossom beautifully bloom vibrantly radiate positivity joy love kindness compassion generosity sharing gifts talents blessings bestowed upon us generously freely given abundantly overflowing hearts overflowing gratitude appreciation celebrating life living fully embracing every moment savoring sweetness joys laughter shared friendships forged connections made memories created treasured forever etched minds hearts souls intertwined woven tapestry existence rich vibrant colors experiences woven intricately together forming beautiful masterpiece life lived well cherished deeply honored celebrated joyously embraced wholeheartedly forevermore eternally grateful blessed beyond measure thankful abundance received graciously humbly acknowledging gifts bestowed upon us recognizing beauty found simplicity everyday moments ordinary extraordinary alike reminding us truly magic exists everywhere around us waiting discover unveil reveal wondrous surprises hidden plain sight inviting explore uncover delightfully delightful discoveries await those willing embark journey adventure awaits eagerly anticipating unfolding mysteries yet revealed exciting thrilling exhilarating exhilarating exhilarating exhilarating exhilarating exhilarating exhilarating exhilarating exhilarating exhilaration exhilaration exhilaration exhilaration exhilaration exhilaration exhilaration exhilaration exhilaration exuberance exuberance exuberance exuberance exuberance exuberance exuberance exuberance exuberance enthusiasm enthusiasm enthusiasm enthusiasm enthusiasm enthusiasm enthusiasm enthusiasm enthusiasm energy energy energy energy energy energy energy energy energy engagement engagement engagement engagement engagement engagement engagement engagement engagement enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment empowerment empowerment empowerment empowerment empowerment empowerment empowerment empowerment empowerment encouragement encouragement encouragement encouragement encouragement encouragement encouragement encouragement encouragement enrichment enrichment enrichment enrichment enrichment enrichment enrichment enrichment enrichment enjoyment enjoyment enjoyment enjoyment enjoyment enjoyment enjoyment enjoyment enjoyment exploration exploration exploration exploration exploration exploration exploration exploration expression expression expression expression expression expression expression expression experience experience experience experience experience experience experience experience experience expectation expectation expectation expectation expectation expectation expectation expectation expectancy expectancy expectancy expectancy expectancy expectancy expectancy expectancy eternity eternity eternity eternity eternity eternity eternity eternity eternal eternal eternal eternal eternal eternal eternal eternal essence essence essence essence essence essence essence essence essential essential essential essential essential essential essential essential establish establish establish establish establish establish establish establishment establishment establishment established established established established establishing establishing establishing establishing establishing establishing establishing establishments establishments establishments establishments establishments establishments establishments establishments establishments engagements engagements engagements engagements engagements engagements engagements engagements engagements endeavors endeavors endeavors endeavors endeavors endeavors endeavors endeavors endeavor endeavor endeavor endeavor endeavor endeavor endeavor endeavored endeavored endeavored endeavored endeavored endeavored endeavored endowment endowment endowment endowment endowment endowment endowment endowment enduring enduring enduring enduring enduring enduring enduring enduring endurance endurance endurance endurance endurance endurance endurance endure endured endured endured endured endured endured endured endurements endurements endurements endurements endurements endurements endurements endurements ends ends ends ends ends ends ends ends ending ending ending ending ending ending ending ending endings endings endings endings endings endings endings endings endings endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endlessly endlessly endlessly endlessly endlessly endlessly endlessly endlessly endlessly